I grew up in a family in which emotions were wanted to be covered. Some were welcome as long as they would be convenient and would stay within a range of an adequate intensity of expression. What ever that may mean.
My sensitive, intuitive, caring and uplifting nature was declared as something which was either considered as peculiar, saucy, out of order or a phase. My biological father was often present through his absence and my biological mother was using the tools she has been taught to use in order to make it all work.
Less sensuality, more pragmatism.
Less pleasure, more function.
Less me. More should be.
She did her best.
I thank her for that.
As did my biological father.
And I thank him for that, too.
Deeply.
They taught me, consciously and unconsciously, that I would be the only one who would protect me. Would be there for me. I would have to take care of my own and would only be able to trust my self.
Always.
I took it as an assignment. I would make sure to only rely on myself. To be completely self sufficient and untouchable.
I became tough.
Bold.
Practical.
Logical.
Active.
Performative.
Tolerant.
Providing.
Resilient.
Passionate.
I wallowed in my masculinity.
Especially when my biological father left us for good and alive.
Simultaneously I discovered my truth in art.
Since that moment on I was attempting to satisfy my sensitive, intuitive and sensual nature by still remaining tough and untouchable.
I was fighting.
I left my biological mother and my sister while I was still in high school.
It got too uncomfortable for all of us.
On the one hand I am deeply grateful for having been able to fill all my existence and lead my path with the instructions of my masculinity because it became my hero in many situations that appeared on this trajectory on my own.
On the other hand my resilient and pragmatic and independent faces became the most powerful resistance to my passion.
Art.
I studied it.
Intensly.
In different ways.
Still being convinced of my learned and practiced survival patterns and behaviours. Still being convinced that those would lead me to my success. When I finished my Master of Arts I had pursued a large variety of ideas for projects, businesses and partnerships.
Nothing took off.
I continued that way.
Different ideas.
Same approach.
My masculine monopoly.
And nothing took off.
Today I understand why.
I simply left my femininity behind.
And I am a lot of it.
And I love it.
Now.
Because it simply needs both.
I simply want both.
I find and found.
My self appeared.
And I left everyone I knew.
Left the place I knew.
I gave my discovered and remembered femaleness the gentleness, openness and oneness it deserves.
And I'm still doing it.
Until I need some space for my beloved and cherished old friend named masculinity.
They are sharing spaces now.
Space and time.
They celebrate existence together and teach one another their uniquenesses.
And I love to witness it.
I want to say thank you to everyone that I shared significant moments with. You'll know if it's you. You were important inspirations and milestones for my realising and understanding who I truly want to be. I see you as wonderful people who simply choose to live life in a different way than I do and I wish that you will forgive all the confusions and irritations that my nature was inspiring you to perceive.
It was just my femininity that I needed to protect.
And me who needed to see.
Because it's needed.
You'll see.
Love,
Solaja