10 Creepy Vintage Christmas Cards
It’s Christmas time so what better use of the internet is there than to share some hilariously creepy Christmas cards? Christmas traditions have always scared the bejesus out of me. At the age of three when my parents explained a fat old alcoholic was going to break in through the chimney, drink the brandy downstairs and then come into my bedroom while we slept, I insisted our stockings were put downstairs. The problem was our Victorian house had fireplaces in all the bedrooms. Lucky I have two older brothers who soon told me the much more comforting truth. I now realise my Christmas could have been a lot more disturbing after looking at these weird and wonderful Christmas cards…
1. Cute as Pie
Let’s start off with pie. An Aussie tradition, homemade with love, everybody loves pie – almost as much as they love children. So who wouldn’t love this child baked in a pie for Christmas? Doesn’t she have the sweetest face? Delicious.
2. ♪ “We’re Being Eaten Aliiiiiiive” ♪
Sticking with the theme of people inside things they shouldn’t be, how about Lady Chatterley trying to escape from a hungry snowman’s stomach. Walking in the air isn’t the only thing snowmen want to do with you apparently.
3. Hot Interspecies Action
This card from the US, sent in 1906, shows just how liberal the world used to be before Disney and Donald Trump. Come on baby, light my fire.
4. Kids Love Krampus
Trust the Alpine folk to come up with a nightmare version of Santa. In Austro-Bavarian folklore, Krampus is a Satan like figure who punishes the naughty kids and gives out coal (why did you think Santa is an anagram for Satan?). Here’s a terrifying card for Krampus Night or Krampusnacht, celebrated the night before the Feast of St. Nicholas in parts of Europe. It reads “Greetings from the Krampus!” The boy’s sister is disturbingly calm about the situation. She’s not as good as those apples she’s holding suggests.
5. Everything in Australia Wants to Kill You
Australia is often accused of not having its own brand of Christmas or traditions, but it seems in the 1800s we did. This “Christmas greeting from Queensland” shows Christmas could be just as unpleasant as it was in Europe. Who needs Krampus when you have emus?
6. Bear Hug
If you didn’t know polar bears were dangerous, this card is a good reminder. Its message – “A hearty welcome” – should perhaps say, “A hearty meal”.
7. Nothing Says Christmas Like Murder
Christmas is a stressful time of year, especially for frogs, so I’m sure we can all relate to this picture. A merry Christmas to you too.
8. Or a Dead Robin
My Dad loves robins and used to get very upset when our cats brought dead ones home (perhaps cats is who this card is for?). If you want to upset my Dad, send him this card.
9. Christmas Spider Anyone?
As an old drunken Irish friend of mine likes to say – all kinds of wrong!
10. Santa’s Still Scariest
“Whatever you do, don’t open the door to strangers.” We certainly give children mixed messages. Luckily these girls have worked out the creep staring through the window probably has bad intentions.
After all that, aren’t you glad we don’t bother sending Christmas cards anymore?